Ah, all those Greek gods to bow down to. 

Next month many of my colleagues and I will be gathering in a hotel outside of Boulder, Colorado for Ohalla, what my wife Renée calls a "rabbinic convention for unconventional rabbis". Years ago at the Tuesday night cabaret I, along with three others I will refer to as my "crew", perfomed a rap about Shabbat. Reb Zalman sat watching, totally perplexed, and at one point during the rap I jokingly feared for my future, saying, "I can see my teudah (ordination document) going up in flames as I speak." 
Lucky for me, Reb Zalman liked my davvening and storytelling!

If you like the rap and you'd like a copy, it's available on iTunes for 99 cents. What a deal! Lyrics below. Enjoy!

If You’re A Maccabbee (Hanukkah Rap) Music & Lyrics by Mark Novak

Let me tell you a story about days of old
When the nights were long and the days were cold

Alexander the Great was the king you see
Of the land of Judea where the Jews were free
To live and worship the only God
Adonai Eloheynu Adonai Echad

Now Alexander the Great despite his royal fame
Grew old and died, ending his reign
A new king arrived upon the scene
A real pain in the tuchus, if you know what I mean

He gathered together all of the Jews and said
“Listen closely ‘cause I got bad news.”

Now this King Antiochus, he thought he was wise
He said, “You can’t observe Shabbat or be circumcised
You have to pray to great Greek Gods Israel
And sacrifice pigs - they squeal!”

Bow down to idols of stone indeed 
That’s not being Jewish it’s plain to see
But many Jews were afraid to disobey the king’s order
They’d be put to death like a lamb to the slaughter

There was a righteous man in Modin town named
Mattathias, he refused to bow down
he smashed the idols, cried passionately
“Whoever’s for the Lord our God follow me!”

Chorus
If you’re a Macabee then your’re a hammer...

I know you know what happens next in the story 
there are armies and fighting and it gets kind of gory
Antiuchus’ army gets cut down to size
By Judah and the Maccabbees, the good guys!

Then there’s the cleansing of the temple and the search for oil
For the ner tamid, would triumph be spoiled?
Of oil they could only find one jar
They looked here, there, near, and far.

It’s a solid fact, a moment of mystery
Nes, Gadol, Haya, Sham  - that’s history.

Chorus

One last point for your edification
Hanukkah’s the time for your rededication
Be a modern Maccabbee - stand tall
And hammer a world of peace and justice for all.

Chorus

And here's yet another explanation!

While aboard his ark, Noah assigned the two dogs responsibility for patrolling the ark. It was the dogs' job to check on all the other animals, and to report back to Noah and his wife Na’ama. This included using their superior sense of smell to detect anything that was, let us say, kind of fishy.

One day, the dogs were taking their daily stroll when they noticed a coin-sized leak, through which water was rushing in at a rapid rate. They looked at each other and knew instinctively what to do. One dog ran for help, while the other dog gallantly stuck her nose in the hole to plug up the leak. In what seemed like an eternity, Noah and Na'ama came running, to find the poor dog in great pain and gasping for breath. They immediately relieved him of her duties and
quickly filled the hole with pitch, averting what could have been a major disaster.

After the work was completed, Noah and Na'ama pawsed, and realizing what a ruff experience it had been, spoke to the dog saying "Little dog, you kept us all safe - our family, and all the animals -  with your little nose. All future generations will know of your great deed, as your nose will always be cold and wet, just as it is today."

This tail is done, and now you know another story explaining why dog's nose has fur-ever remained cold and wet!
(Origin unknown - retold by R' Mark Novak, silly wabbit)

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My late rebbe, R' Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, zt"l, (זכר צדיק לברכה) was a master storyteller. He taught: "a good story is one where the mind surprises the heart". "A Year of Stories" is dedicated to his memory. I invite you to forward the link to these stories so that they find their way into the hearts of other listeners and tellers.

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Please consider offering a tax deductible donation to support this project and the work of DC's Jewish Renewal community Minyan Oneg Shabbat. A shout out to Judy Young for your generous offering in support of this project.
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If you would like to be added to the growing list of 
"Year of Stories" followers, let me know at [email protected], 
with "Year of Stories" in the subject line.

My late rebbe, R' Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, zt"l, (זכר צדיק לברכה) was a master storyteller. He taught: "a good story is one where the mind surprises the heart". "A Year of Stories" is dedicated to his memory. I invite you to forward the link to these stories so that they find their way into the hearts of other listeners and tellers.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

A man woke up in confusion every morning. He never remembered where he put his clothes the night before, and every morning he would spend a lot of time searching for the things he needed to put on. One night he hit upon a brilliant idea.

He exclaimed, "I need a system! I must have an accounting for everything."

And so that evening he made a list, writing down the exact location of each article of his clothing. He then pinned the note on his pillow, and fell asleep.

When he awoke the next morning the first thing he saw was the list. He immediately reached for it and with the note in hand, he confidently rose from his bed and read the list aloud.

"Pants - bedpost. Check. 
Shoes - under the bed. Check. 
Socks - in the shoes. Check."

As he checked off each article of clothing, he put them on - one by one - until he reached the last of the items.

 "Cap - doorknob. Check!"  With a final flourish, he placed the cap on top of his head, and smiled. "There, I did it, it worked!" 

In the next moment however his smile turned to concern, for as he checked the list one last time he realized that something was missing.

"Hmmm....," he wondered.
"Where am I?"

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Story re-crafted by R' Mark Novak from a version found in The Stories We Pray by Joel Luric Grishaver, who crafted his version from Chasidic Tales Re-Told, edited by Edith Samuel and prepared by R' Harvey Fields (out of print). A personal note: When a storyteller follows up a story by telling the listener what it means, my heart sinks and my mind withdraws. I leave it to you, gentle reader, to place these stories into the context of your personal journey, gleaning whatever meaning or interpretation resonates within. 
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Let me know if you use the story and in what context. And......I'd love to hear YOUR stories!
And if you are enjoying these stories/teachings and would like to support our work please consider offering a tax deductible donation to DC's Jewish Renewal community, 
Minyan Oneg Shabbat. Thank you.
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If you would like to be added to the growing list of 
"Year of Stories" followers, let me know at [email protected], 
with "Year of Stories" in the subject line.